the last goodbye

“You can never plan the future by the past.” ~Edmund Burke


4.6.03                                                                  beverly hills adjacent, ca

WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHY P. AND I ARE BREAKING UP, I’M NOT SURE HOW TO RESPOND.  I don’t have my sound byte answer down yet.

It’s just so complicated. Seemingly a whole bunch of little reasons adding up to one big sad ending. One of the fundamental differences we seemed to clash over on a semi-regular basis was our vastly different perceptions of the future.

P. was the type to worry about what lies ahead. She wanted to feel like she was in a partnership, working towards common goals. There was a time during the last 7 1/2 years when she would’ve gone weak in the knees if I had said to her over dinner one night:

“I’ve been thinking…I want you in my future, so I’ve come up with a 5- and 10-year plan to get us a house and start a family.”

But I never could do it. I never could buy into the long-term planning concept. It’s just not me. Now I’m sure there are some who find this attitude foolish. Irresponsible. Immature.

But here’s the thing:

I don’t care.

I find it liberating.

Even if I did go to P. and tell her I was ready to settle down and embrace the responsibilities that would come with being a husband and father to our children, I don’t think she’d believe I could pull it off. Based on my past, her future with me would be filled with too much uncertainty.

Or so she thought.

And that’s part of the story of how we arrived at tonight. Standing in the alley behind the apartment we shared for nearly 5 years. Crying like anguished funeral mourners. Locked in a series of big, aching hugs. Knowing each one could be the last.

And laughing.

Still laughing.

At the absurdity of breaking out the digital camera to capture the final crushing moments. Shameless to the bitter end.

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